Today is the anniversary of the day sopdetly was birthed into this world. I don’t often make sweeping birthday posts because I tend to be rather shit at remembering birthdays, but sopdetly deserves something extra special this year and as she’s one of my very best friends, I feel it is my duty to deliver. (Unlike how a mailman would deliver a birthday present had I thought to buy and mail one. Seriously, you guys, I am so shit with birthdays.)

I could easily sit here and list the ways in which sopdetly can be a fantastic friend by being an excellent listener and dispensing level-headed advice when my head goes all wonky, and I can talk about the ways in which she’s so super-anal organized at getyourwordsout that sometimes I just stare all heart-eyed at her spreadsheets, and I can tell you how she sometimes inspires me to be a better person because watching her try so hard makes me want to try harder, too.

But I’m not going to talk about all that because yesterday while I was lamenting that I wouldn’t have the time to rewatch all the HP movies before Deathly Hallows comes out, sopdetly took the time to recap all of the first movie for me, thus making me cry with laughter, and that perfectly illustrates why she is so awesome. So, on this her birthday, I leave you to enjoy Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone as summarized by sopdetly, to show the world just how awesome she is:

BOOK 1
HARRY POTTER AND THE BEGINNING OF AN EMPIRE
Harry: I'm a lonely boy, I live under the staircase.... [Editor’s note: These are the beginning lyrics of a wrock song.]
Vernon Dursley: STOP THAT BLOODY SINGING! SINGING IS UNNATURAL! IT'S LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING!
Harry: Oh yeah? Well I'mma set a snake on your porky boy there? Ssssssssss.
Dudley: FUCKING HELL WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.
Harry: I dream about motorbikes, too.

Hagrid: Hey, you're pretty awesome, kid! You should come to our school. Just run into this brick wall, kthxbye.
Harry: ...wut.

Ron: I'M A POOR GINGER. DON'T STEREOTYPE ME.
Hermione: YOU'RE DIRTY, TOO.
Harry: And these will be my friends? Fitting. Fuck.

Hat: So, you would totally kick ass at being a cunning and sneaky Slytherin, but since you're too much of a pussy to give it a try, I guess I'll throw you in with the Gryffindors. It'll create, like, dramatic tension or something.
Various Teachers: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Snape: TEN MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR.

Hermione: Ron, you dirty ginger, you suck at magic.
Ron: Oh, go feed yourself to a troll, you frizzy-haired bitch.
Troll: nom nom nom
Harry: Way to go, asshole. Now we have to save her life and we'll NEVER get rid of her!
Snape: Stop looking at my legs, Potter. PS: We could have been amazing together, you pussy.
Quirrell: Gee, for a Defence prof I get pretty freaked out by trolls. Wink wink nudge nudge.

Harry: Christmas! And Hermione's leaving! Say, what's all with this mirror? FUCK ME, I HAD PARENTS?
Dumbledore: Of course, dear boy, but don't ever try to look for them again. Also try not to think about what I do with all the socks I want.

Hermione: So I've been doing research but coming up with nothing. Oh yeah, there was that dog thing that almost ate us, we're trying to figure out what it's guarding. It's hard to remember the exposition in a parody like this.
Hagrid: Come check out this wicked awesome dragon a total stranger gave me for no reason whatsoever!
Ron: Um. I think I should owl my brother Charlie, but since we're doing the movie here, we'll just skip that part.

TRIO: Oh, look, we figured it all out and now we're in this secret underground lair and we're proving that the teachers around here sort of suck at security, honestly. Like, we're 11 and 12 years old, yo.
Harry: Look, I don't want you two stealing my awesome hero spotlight, so, um, just go back ok?
H&R: Sounds good to us, tosser!

Quirrell: Excellent, much easier to beat a single 11 year old. Check out my fucking awesome head tattoo!
Voldyface: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Harry: I've got something in my pocket. Oh, fuck, shouldn'tve said that.
*EPIC BATTLE SCENE, SORTA*

Everyone: *pwned*
Harry: *less pwned and is saved*
Ron: *eats all of Harry's chocolate frogs*
Dumbledore: It was love that saved you. MY LOVE FOR YOU—I mean your mother's love for you!

Harry: Well that was a swell year. OH FUCK, YEAH, I PLAYED QUIDDITCH TOO.
Oliver: I was hot. Don't get too used to me though.

Hogwarts Express: *toots its horn meaningfully*
Music: *swells*

THE END


So, Happy Birthday, sopdetly. Thank you for being exactly who I need so very often. *tacklehugs*